SUPPORTING A FRIEND WHO HAS CANCER I

If you have a friend who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, or is living with cancer, you may be wondering the best way to support him or her. Even though you want to help your friend through this difficult time, it can be hard to know what to say or do. While there are no set rules when it comes to supporting a friend who has cancer, this article will help you find ways to show your support, including ideas of what to say and how to provide practical help, as well as suggestions for thoughtful gifts.

Preparing yourself

A good first step is to learn more about the diagnosis beforehand. Your friend may not want to talk about the details for many reasons, including that it is physically and emotionally tiring to repeat the same information to different people. If possible, the person’s spouse or a mutual friend may be able to give you the basics. Write it down and repeat it back to them to be sure you’ve gotten the correct information. And if there’s information that is unknown or not shared, don’t push for more.

Before a visit, you may want to remember a time when you were really scared or felt really sick. Think about what it felt like. What did you want to talk about? How did you want to be treated? You may also want to prepare yourself for changes in your friend’s appearance.Fatigue, weight changes, and hair loss are common side effects of cancer and many treatments. Start your visit by saying “It’s good to see you” instead of commenting on any physical changes.

Helpful tips when supporting a friend

Although each person with cancer is different, here are some general suggestions for showing support:

• Ask permission—before visiting, before giving advice, before asking questions. And make it clear that saying no is perfectly okay.
• Make flexible plans that can be easily changed in case something comes up or your friend needs to cancel or reschedule.
• Don’t be afraid to make plans for the future—this gives your friend something positive to look forward to. Be careful not to come across as pushy or demanding though.
• Be humorous and fun when appropriate and when needed.
• Allow for sadness—do not ignore uncomfortable topics or feelings.
• Make time for a weekly check-in phone call. Let your friend know when you will be calling, and let your friend know that it is okay to not answer the phone.
• Offer to help with specific tasks, such as taking care of children, taking care of a pet, or preparing a meal. Many people find it hard to ask for help, and your friend will likely appreciate the offer. However, if your friend declines an offer, don’t take it personally.
• Follow through on a commitment to help.
• Try not to let your friend’s condition get in the way of your friendship. As much as possible, treat him or her the same way you always have.
• Ask about interests, hobbies, and other topics not related to cancer—people going through treatment sometimes need a break from talking about the disease.
• If you aren't sure how to help, ask.

What to say

Here are some simple guidelines to use when talking with your friend.

Avoid saying

• I know just how you feel.
• You need to talk.
• I know just what you should do.
• I feel helpless.
• I don't know how you manage.
• I’m sure you’ll be fine.
• Don’t worry.
• How much time do the doctors give you?
• How long do you have?
• Let me know what I can do. (Instead, offer specific ways you can help or other things you can provide if they need it.)

Do say

• I'm sorry this has happened to you.
• If you ever feel like talking, I am here to listen.
• What are you thinking of doing, and how can I help?
• I care about you.
• I’m thinking about you.
• I don’t know what to say. (It is better to be honest than to simply stop calling or visiting out of fear.)

Source: cancer.net